The Very Royal Holiday Read online

  ‘You did the same thing to them as you did to us – led them away to the Southern Edge of the Earth in a boat?’

  ‘That was the suggestion of the royals, yes.’

  ‘And then you escaped, as you planned to escape from our boat?’

  ‘Worked better the first time around,’ Hamelin acknowledged.

  ‘And then they refused to give their daughter to you? And that’s why you lost us into the sky? For revenge?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Hamelin sadly. ‘Love and revenge: is there anything else in the world?’

  Bzzz … bzzz … went a noise above their heads.

  And they realised the Things were burrowing through the ground to reach them.

  ‘Aye!’ Zig exclaimed. ‘Thar’s other things than love an’ revenge! Thar’s BATTLE! BATTLE against the darn Things!’

  So they all braced themselves for it – braced themselves for the Things coming at them.

  Chapter Nine

  Meanwhile, Holly, Pepino and the other children had managed to push a large stone across the opening of their cave to prevent the Things from flying in. In the dark, they walked down a sloped corridor, which led towards an underground cavern, bathed in the strange, white, fluorescent light of the liana vines that hung from the ceiling.

  ‘What is this place?’ Ursul marvelled. ‘It’s almost like a weird palace.’

  ‘What are those plants?’ Nadya asked, fiddling with one of the glistening lianas. ‘They look like bogeys. And they’re rubbery like chewing gum.’

  ‘It smells of bubbly soup cooking,’ said Pepino. ‘I’m hungry.’

  ‘It can’t smell of bubbly soup,’ Blastula snapped. ‘It’s an alien planet peopled only with dangerous flying Things.’

  ‘It does smell of bubbly soup, though,’ Holly remarked. ‘It even sounds like soup is gently bubbling on a stove.’

  And it was.

  In a corner of the cave, in the milky light of the mosses, was a woman attending to a bubbly pot on a small fire.

  The young woman stood up when she saw the children. She wore a shredded white dress and had large black eyes like the skies they’d been crossing for days.

  ‘You’re a human,’ whispered Holly.

  ‘Yes,’ said the lady. ‘Hello.’ She seemed a little bit distracted. ‘I haven’t spoken to humans for a while.’

  ‘How long?’

  ‘Many years. Soup?’

  They all nodded, and the lady poured soup for each of them in hollow stones.

  ‘Who are you?’ Pepino asked. ‘How did you get here?’

  ‘My name is – or was – Princess Fandorin of Rossia. I fell into the sky on a boat,’ she said.

  ‘Just like us!’ Blastula exclaimed. ‘Were you also going on a Holy Moly Holiday?’

  ‘No,’ said the lady, ‘I was trying to get married. But my future husband let the boat I was in fall into the sky, and he escaped.’

  ‘What? He left you to drift away into space?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the lady sadly. ‘Though, to be honest, he didn’t know I was on the boat. You see, I …’

  She turned towards the entrance to the cave. ‘I can hear Things buzzing. Did you roll the stone across the opening?’

  ‘Sort of,’ said Blastula. ‘It was a bit heavy, so I couldn’t be bothered to roll it all the way.’

  ‘Great,’ Holly growled. ‘Does it mean they’re going to come in?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Fandorin. ‘Quick, grab some of those lianas and use them as slingshots to fire pebbles at them. That’s the only language they understand.’

  A few seconds later, a swarm of Things invaded the cave, buzzing furiously. The children pulled on the rubbery, bogey-like lianas, which were elastic enough to be used as slingshots – and the terrible battle began.

  SLING! One well-aimed shot from Fandorin, who seemed to be used to the exercise, hit a Thing right on its angry little nose.

  PING! Holly’s pebble hit a Thing’s wing, and it screeched with annoyance, flying back.

  PZING! PZING! Blastula’s and Pepino’s shots hit the exact same Thing at the same time.

  ‘Hey!’ Pepino yelled. ‘Well done, us!’ And they exchanged a tiny high five.

  Soon they realised this was the way to go: hitting one Thing with two stones.

  ‘This one over here, with the purple antennae!’ shouted Pepino.

  PZING! PZING!

  The second time Pepino and Blastula high-fived, it was a normal high five.

  The third time and afterwards, it was a strong, hearty, roaring sort of high five!

  And after they’d scared away the last enormous squeaky Thing by shooting many stones at him, something really quite awkward happened. They hugged.

  ‘Urgh!’ said Pepino. ‘That’s disgusting!’

  ‘The most yucky thing in the world,’ Blastula agreed. ‘And I’m sure you crinkled my dress.’

  ‘But well done anyway,’ said Pepino.

  ‘Yes, well done anyway,’ whispered Blastula.

  ‘Soup?’ asked Fandorin, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

  ‘No,’ said Holly. ‘We need to leave this cave and find Anna, Zig and the others. They might be in danger.’

  ‘You might need to leave,’ Blastula said, ‘but I’m staying here and having soup. I’ve done enough fighting for today.’

  ‘Suit yourself,’ Holly groaned. ‘I’m going, and Pepino is too.’

  ‘Am I?’ Pepino asked.

  ‘Of course you are! It’s Anna! She’s somewhere on this dangerous planet with only Zig, Arak, Pam and the brothers to help her – it’s not as if she could count on Hamelin!’

  CLANK! The wooden ladle of soup that Princess Fandorin was holding fell on the stone floor of the cave. ‘Who?’ she asked faintly.

  ‘Pip Hamelin. The man who took us on this fake holiday and lost us all in space. Come on, Pepino, let’s go!’

  ‘We’re all going,’ Fandorin stated calmly. ‘Take your slingshots and some pebbles.’

  ‘I HATE this holiday,’ Blastula grumbled, ‘and I’ll have you all put in the stocks when we’re back on Earth.’

  Chapter Ten

  In the burrow, Anna, Arak, Zig, Pam and the solar brothers were desperately trying to fight the Things.

  They were fairly successful. Sol and Brul couldn’t be stung, since their bodies were made mostly of fire. Grrrzz! They burnt the Things by flicking their fingers.

  Twig-Leg Zig had developed a kind of kung-fu kick with his wooden leg – PAF! – and Arak was trapping the Things in her webs.

  Anna, meanwhile, was using Hamelin’s mandolin to hit the Things.

  ‘If you’ll only let me have it …’ Hamelin muttered.

  ‘Shut up, Hamelin! This is battle time, not music time!’

  ‘But I –’

  ‘You’ve given us enough trouble!’

  Eventually, Hamelin cleared his throat. ‘Holy moly! Anna, my dear, you are sometimes remarkably obtuse. Remember the story I just told you? Wasn’t there a part about the musician being the only person able to entrance the Things?’

  Anna stopped. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Hmm. Right.’

  ‘May I?’

  She handed the mandolin to Hamelin and he began to strum the strings.

  And the soft, watery, angelic melody, resonating throughout the burrow and beyond, made the Things suddenly slow down and … dance.

  They were dancing, swirling, twirling around, completely enchanted by Hamelin’s mellow tunes.

  Anna, Arak, Zig and the brothers, just as entranced, emerged from the burrow, following Hamelin and his sweet music. Around them, the jungle was peaceful, almost as if the trees themselves were gently swaying to the mandolin’s melodies. And the Things, pacified, drifted around them in mid-air …

  ‘ANNA!’ shouted a voice from the bushes.

  ‘HOLLY! PEPINO!’

  The three children ran into each other’s arms. ‘We fought the Things with slingshots!’ Pepino yelled.

  ‘We
’re fighting them with music,’ Anna replied. ‘Well, Hamelin is. First useful thing he’s ever done.’

  ‘We found a cave,’ Holly said. ‘And inside there was a princess.’

  ‘Another one? Is there one place in this universe that doesn’t have royals?’

  One by one, the other children emerged from the jungle, dazzled by Hamelin’s music and by the hypnotising dance of the Things.

  ‘It’s Hamelin!’ Blastula sighed. ‘He’s controlling the Things!’

  All the children sat down around Hamelin as he sang:

  And so it is that in this jungle,

  Forever sad, forever single,

  Without his one true love and friend,

  The singer’s story must now end,

  Playing his mournful mandolin,

  Missing his lovely …

  ‘Fandorin,’ said a calm and lovely voice.

  The children and the pirates jumped. Fandorin, in her white dress, had just appeared from behind a tree.

  ‘Fandorin!’ Hamelin repeated, staring wide-eyed at the young woman.

  ‘I knew we had to be reunited somehow,’ she murmured.

  ‘How did you … how did you …’

  ‘How did I get here? I was on the boat the whole time. I knew my parents wouldn’t let me marry you when you got back, so I sneaked into the ship and hid in a rescue boat so we could elope once you’d sent the Things into space. But I didn’t get out in time. You’d already left the ship, and it was drifting away into the empty skies … I stayed on it for weeks and weeks, until it landed on this planet. I’ve been living here alone with all the Things.’

  The two young people drew closer to one another, and Hamelin knelt down to take his beloved’s hand. ‘Oh, Fandorin! Why didn’t you say you were on the ship?’

  ‘I didn’t want to distract you from your mission! You had to keep playing.’

  ‘But if I’d known …’

  ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘We can get married now. I’m wearing a white dress.’

  ‘I will marry you in three seconds if you let me,’ he whispered.

  ‘We need someone to perform the wedding,’ Fandorin said.

  Big-Paw Pam got up first. He made a heart with his hands, then pointed at the two lovers – and finally pushed them gently together into a kiss.

  ‘I think that means: “I declare you husband and wife!”’ said Anna.

  ‘HURRAH!’ everyone cheered.

  ‘Let’s never go back to Earth,’ said Hamelin to Fandorin.

  ‘Why don’t ye come with us on the Vagrant?’ Twig-Leg Zig asked. ‘We always need extra pairs o’ hands. And you might make us some more sprogs to help!’

  ‘Sounds great,’ said Holly, ‘but you might want to start playing the mandolin again, Hamelin. The Things are waking up from their daze, and they look like they want to sting us again.’

  Hamelin sighed, picking up his instrument, and as he played he led them all through the jungle to Fandorin’s cave.

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘Ahoy, me sprogs!’ Twig-Leg Zig shouted the next morning when they all woke up in the cave where they’d spent the night. ‘All hands on deck! Time t’work! We found nay booty on this isle.’

  ‘You mean we’re going back in the boat?’ yawned Ursul of Quebecque. ‘Why?’

  ‘A pirate never abandons a ship for the lures o’ the land!’ Zig growled.

  ‘Now wait a minute,’ said Blastula. ‘You can take your dusty boat and drift away at some point, but I’m staying here and waiting for Mummy and Daddy to come and pick us up. And we’re keeping Hamelin in the meantime to protect us from the Things. He owes us at least that.’

  ‘I agree with Blastula,’ said Ursul. ‘We can’t keep floating from planet to planet.’ Protected from the Things by Hamelin’s music, they all left the cave and looked around for ways to make themselves known.

  ‘OK, everyone,’ Blastula shouted, ‘let’s build a giant flag on this planet with a drawing of my head on it, so they can see where we are.’

  ‘Great, let me do the drawing,’ said Anna, doodling something in the sand that resembled a pig with a crown on its head.

  The children chuckled. Blastula glared at Anna. ‘You can be sure your mum and dad won’t be looking for you. I’m sure your dad doesn’t even have a rocket! He’s probably a smelly, dirty little man doing a boring job.’

  ‘No,’ said Holly, taking the family picture out of her pocket. ‘He’s none of that. He’s that man. And he’s gone away forever. Happy?’

  ‘That was mean of you!’ said Pepino to Blastula. ‘We’ve had enough of your nastiness. Say sorry.’

  Blastula was embarrassed. Everywhere she looked, be it towards Anna, Holly, Pepino, Big-Paw Pam or even her best friends Ursul, Nadya and Constantino, or worse – Arak’s eighteen reproachful eyes – she only saw annoyance.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered. ‘I’m sorry your dad isn’t able to come and pick you up. I mean, I’m sorry he’s disappeared and all that. And I’m sure he wasn’t smelly or dirty.’

  Anna and Holly smiled, and for the first time Blastula smiled back.

  ‘And who be looking for the angel an’ the bird if ye all leave me?’ Twig-Leg Zig groaned. ‘I need someone up thar on the mast!’

  ‘Oh, shut up, Zig,’ said Anna. ‘You can ask Fandorin or Hamelin to do it. Here, I’ve got your spyglass – you can even look at the skies from here in the meantime. Let me see … No! No angel and no bird. Nothing at all that’s interes–’

  She froze.

  ‘What be it?’ Zig asked. ‘What be it?’

  Anna couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

  Blastula grabbed the spyglass and looked through it too. ‘I KNEW IT!’ she yelled, seeing a rocket with her name emblazoned on its side. ‘They’re coming to look for me! They’re coming, they’re coming, they’re coming!’

  She danced with joy and looked again. ‘Oh! Ursul! There’s one for you too! And … yes, I can see one with your name on it, Quetzal!’

  All the children took turns to look into the spyglass, shrieking with joy.

  ‘Arrrr,’ Zig groaned. ‘They be a bit far from away still, but in two or three days there’ll be here …’

  It was Pepino’s turn to take the spyglass. He stared and stared and stared into it.

  ‘Oh! I can see the rocket with my name on it!’ he exclaimed. ‘Oh no, wait. That says “Petunia” … Maybe it’s hidden behind another rocket … Maybe …’

  All the royal children threw awkward glances at him, and even Blastula didn’t dare say anything.

  Anna wrapped her arm around Pepino’s shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, Peps,’ she said. ‘I’m sure your parents will send a rescue mission too.’

  ‘But I think we spent all our rescue mission budget for this year on new toboggans,’ Pepino whispered.

  ‘You three can come with me in my rocket,’ said Nadya. ‘We’ll have enough space. It’s a huge rocket. It’s got a tennis court in it.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Holly. ‘See, Peps? We’ll go back to Earth anyway.’

  Pepino nodded and sniffed.

  ‘Well,’ Blastula said, coughing, ‘shall we get started on that giant flag, then?’

  So over the next two days, they found the tallest tree on the planet, made it even taller by strapping another tall tree to it, and Arak knitted the most gigantic triangle of fabric she could.

  Some of the children made paints from fruits, flowers and mashed-up stones. And the other children used them to paint the giant flag. And sometimes their own faces by accident.

  A thousand times a day, they looked into the spyglass to check the progress of the rockets …

  And still there was none for Pepino.

  Then the next evening, they lifted up the flag over the little planet.

  The rockets were getting closer and closer. ‘They’ll be here tomorrow!’ Blastula exclaimed, looking into the spyglass. ‘Oh, I hope Mummy and Daddy have brought my twelve fox terriers! Or my six favourites,
at least.’

  That night, they had a leaving party in the cave. They danced, ate and told stories, and imagined what it would be like to go back to Earth.

  ‘I can’t wait to eat popcorn again!’ Ursul said. ‘But I can wait to start doing homework again. What month is it? Probably almost September. Time to go back to school.’

  ‘Zig,’ said Quetzal, ‘are you sure you don’t want to come to Earth? It’s great, you know! And you can ride in my rocket if you want! I’m sure my parents won’t mind. If you take a shower first, that is.’

  Zig fidgeted uncomfortably. ‘That’s very nice of ye, me lad, but I’m a space pirate, not an Earth pirate. I like the taste o’ the falling stardust.’

  He held one of Big-Paw Pam’s huge fingers in one hand and one of Arak’s legs with the other, winked to the solar twins and said to the children: ‘Don’t be sad, sprogs! I’ll miss ye all, but the booty I have t’find is up thar, nay down thar.’

  The next morning, all the rockets were visible without even looking through the spyglass. (Flora, or Flopsy-Diddle-Doo, was not too happy that her nickname had been made so public on the side of her rocket.)

  All the children collected their belongings and stood on the main deck of the pirate ship, from which Twig-Leg Zig had put out a long plank into the sky. The rockets were parked one next to the other, waiting to pick up the children.

  Blastula was the first to walk the plank. ‘Bye-bye, everyone! It was a fun holiday! I hope we find another summer camp we can all go to next year!’

  Then it was Ursul’s turn. ‘Send postcards!’ he shouted to everyone. ‘I’ll miss you!’

  And one by one the children hugged their friends, Twig-Leg Zig, Arak and Big-Paw Pam (but not the solar brothers, who weren’t very huggable), and walked down the plank to board the rockets waiting for them.