The Royal Bake Off Read online

  ‘We’ll tell you after the advert br–’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Anna. ‘We all know it’s the Emir of Antarktik. Everyone can see his cupcake is a complete failure.’

  ‘How mean!’ Molly exclaimed.

  ‘You surprise-ruining wet Britlander blanket,’ said Charlus. ‘Well, all right then. The loser is the Emir of Antarktik!’

  The Emir bowed and the polar bear walked with him to his Pony Car.

  ‘How heartbreaking, saying goodbye to contestants we love so much!’ said Molly tearfully.

  ‘Can we go now?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Don’t you want to be interviewed at length about how amazing it feels to be runner-up in this first task?’ asked Charlus, indignant.

  ‘Not at all,’ said Anna.

  ‘I do!’ said King Steve. ‘After all, it was thanks to me.’

  ‘We’ll leave you to it, then,’ Anna whispered. ‘Come on, Holly. Let’s get Pepino.’

  In the Ambulance, Pepino opened an eyelid. ‘Am I completely dead?’

  ‘Not quite,’ said Anna. ‘I’m afraid they’re still expecting you to compete tomorrow.’

  Chapter Six

  ‘Why did that rope snap?’

  It was eleven o’clock at night. King Steve had been asleep for hours, but Anna was keeping Holly and Pepino awake.

  ‘Come on, Anna,’ said Holly. ‘It could have been anything. A falling rock, a loose knot –’

  ‘Or maybe you were a bit too heavy,’ said Pepino. ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but with all those croissants you ate in Parii …’

  ‘No,’ said Anna. ‘When I was standing on the rope, I clearly felt someone was … hacking at it. There were three tugs. It went hack, hack, hack.’

  Knock, knock, knock.

  The three children jumped. The sound had come from the window, whose candy-panes had been freshly replaced.

  ‘Who’s there?’ asked Holly.

  They heard a whisper:

  ‘The Emir. Please open the window. I’m in a not-very-comfortable position.’

  They opened the window and rescued the not-very-comfortably-positioned Emir.

  ‘Have you come to tell me off about your assistant?’ asked Holly as they dragged him into the bedroom. ‘I’m sorry he melted. But he wasn’t the best person to take to a hot country.’

  ‘No,’ the Emir said. ‘I have come to warn you …’ He turned to Anna. ‘The Über-Sheriff of Germanisland tried to kill you today.’

  Anna gasped.

  ‘My assistant saw him hacking at the rope you were standing on – with an axe.’

  ‘I knew it!’ Anna exclaimed.

  ‘I heard him say to his assistants, “That dirty little Miss Know-It-All has got what she deserves!” And then he laughed like this: “Mwahahahahaha!”’

  ‘I’ve told you this before, Anna,’ said Pepino. ‘You rub people up the wrong way. They see you, and then they want you to fall to your death.’

  ‘Hey!’ Anna retorted. ‘Don’t make it sound like it’s my fault! Thanks for telling us, Your Emirship. Sounds like we’d better visit our Germanislander neighbours … Come on, team!’

  ‘What, now?’ Pepino moaned. ‘I thought we were watching TV tonight.’

  ‘Doesn’t look like there’s anything interesting on,’ Holly said, flipping through the channel guide.

  ‘Let’s go,’ said Anna. ‘Which room is the Germanislander team in?’

  ‘Room five. But you can’t go through the door,’ said the Emir. ‘There are Fans camping in the corridor. They’ll ask you for autographs, and then they’ll eat you up, they love you so. That’s why I had to crawl outside the window.’

  Anna looked through the peephole at the crowded hallway. ‘Brrrr. They look scary. We’ll go over the roof.’

  ‘What?’ Pepino moaned. ‘I’d much rather watch all those adverts!’

  ‘Hurry up, Pepino. We haven’t got all night!’

  Anna opened the window and stood on the slim ledge, feeling for the roof above. Holly gave her a leg-up, and she heaved herself on to the roof. She then pulled Holly and Pepino up.

  ‘This way!’ Anna called.

  They ran across the flat roof of the skyscraper.

  ‘We won’t be able to stand on that window ledge,’ said Holly as they knelt down near the edge and peered over. ‘Two of us will have to hold the third one by his feet, head down.’

  ‘What do you mean, “by his feet?”’ Pepino asked. ‘What if we decide to pick a girl for this?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Pepino,’ said Anna. ‘Her skirt would turn over and you’d see her pants.’

  ‘But you’re not wearing a skirt,’ he observed. ‘ARGHHHH!!!’

  The two girls had grabbed his legs.

  ‘Shh!’ whispered Anna. ‘Listen carefully to what they say.’

  And they tipped Pepino over the edge. He was so surprised he didn’t even manage to scream; instead, he held on to his crown and swung towards the window.

  While Pepino was listening, Holly nudged her sister. ‘Why do you think the Über-Sheriff would target you? Why would he care?’

  ‘Maybe he’s hired by Emperor Sam to kill everyone else’s assistants,’ Anna whispered.

  ‘I don’t believe it. Emperor Sam is arrogant, but he’s not a killer.’

  ‘How can you tell? Oh, hang on. Pepino’s kicking,’ Anna murmured. ‘Let’s pull him up.’

  ‘So?’ they said, after hauling him up and back on to his feet.

  ‘My head is full of all the blood in my body!’ Pepino groaned. ‘My ears are going POMPOM! POMPOM! I think my heart’s fallen into my skull.’

  Anna tapped him on the head to help his heart fall back into place. ‘Well? What did they say?’

  ‘The Über-Sheriff said he’d missed us this time, but not tomorrow – “Tomorrow there will be deaths, the deaths of those Britlander kids!” That’s what he said. And his assistant kept saying, “You’ll be marvellous,” and calling him all kinds of little nicknames.’

  ‘Great,’ Anna winced. ‘So he does want to kill us. Anything else?’

  ‘Well,’ said Pepino, ‘he had a different voice.’

  ‘Different how?’

  ‘Completely different. He didn’t haf zat fery schtrong Germanislander accent any more.’

  Chapter Seven

  That night, Holly, Anna, Pepino and King Steve dreamt that they were being carried around by a helicopter. And when the morning came, they were woken up by the sound of running water.

  ‘Didjuleavthetapon, Pepino?’ King Steve mumbled.

  ‘That’d be a very big tap,’ Anna commented, sitting up on her bed.

  They weren’t in their hotel room any more. They weren’t even in Bigapple. The sound of running water – or, rather, of crashing, thrashing, smashing water – was coming from …

  A HUGE waterfall.

  ‘Aaaaand the Britlander contestants are finally waking up!’ Charlus yelled. ‘Hurry up, the second task starts in three minutes.’

  ‘Where are we?’ Anna asked, stepping out of bed on to the island and looking around.

  ‘I recognise this place,’ said Holly. ‘The N.H.E.A.G.A.R.A. Falls. The biggest, most dangerous waterfall in the world.’

  ‘N.H.E.A.G.A.R.A?’ Anna repeated.

  ‘It stands for “Nobody Has Ever A’crossed the Gigantic Awful River Alive”, sweetie,’ replied Molly.

  All the royal contestants, still in their pyjamas (apart from Emperor Sam, who was wearing a light blue suit, with his helpers in military gear) lined up on the small island while the beds were being carried away by small helicopters.

  ‘Today you won’t need any baking powder, but you’ll need some baking power! Your mission is to bake a floating island. Easy enough, right?’ Charlus grinned.

  ‘Whisked egg whites and sugar dropped into a nice little pool of custard,’ Molly whispered.

  Charlus added, ‘All the ingredients for the custard are on this island. But the eggs must be taken from a
nest of crocodiles, and the only way to whisk the whites is to put them in a barrel and run on it at top speed on the edge of the falls! Ready? CAKE OR DEATH!’

  The two hosts floated off. Emperor Sam, whistling the Americanadian anthem, started making custard, while his assistants jumped into the water to collect ingredients. The Über-Sheriff, Anna noted, was whispering things into his assistant’s ear, and both were looking intently at the Britlander team. The Empress of Downunder, meanwhile, dived into the river, followed by her three assistants.

  ‘OK, children,’ said King Steve. ‘Today I promise I’ll be good. I’ll help you more than yesterday.’

  ‘Great,’ said Holly. ‘You’re getting the crocodile eggs, then?’

  ‘Uh, no. I’ll find the ingredients for the custard instead.’

  ‘Look, they’re right here on the table behind you!’

  ‘Oh! Found them!’ King Steve exclaimed. ‘Brilliant. I’ll make the custard.’

  ‘Right,’ said Anna. ‘Can anyone here swim well? Pepino?’

  ‘Only with floats,’ confessed the prince.

  ‘Oh, dear. Let’s think of a way to –’

  But she stopped mid sentence, having spotted a new visitor on the island …

  A hungry-looking crocodile came crawling towards them. It tried to eat Anna.

  Then Holly.

  Then Pepino.

  ‘Hey! My crown!’ Pepino yelled, as the crocodile slithered back into the water with it.

  ‘Leave it, Pepino!’ said Holly. ‘Who cares? At least it wasn’t your face.’

  ‘I’d rather it were!’ Pepino grouched. ‘I got so told off by Mum and Dad for losing my crown in Parii. This is a brand new one and it tells me jokes when I’m bored! That crocodile isn’t taking it!’

  And he jumped into the water.

  ‘I thought he couldn’t swim without floats,’ said Holly nervously.

  Indeed, Pepino immediately sank.

  ‘CAKE OR DEATH!!!’ Charlus shouted, making Molly jump so high that he had to catch her in his arms. ‘The heir of Britland drowns for his crown!’

  ‘Fantastic,’ Anna grumbled. ‘Come on, Holly, let’s rescue him.’

  They both jumped into the river and held their breath to look for Pepino. Underwater, strong currents were pulling everything towards the waterfall.

  ‘Pepino!’ Holly shouted, but it sounded like ‘BBLLEPPLLIBBLLNO!’

  They grabbed on to Pepino’s hand, and swam off against the current, following the crocodile.

  ‘Pssffhha!’ coughed Pepino as they resurfaced. ‘It’s very windy down there. I mean, current-y. Where’s that criminal crocodile?’

  ‘Right-t-there,’ stuttered Holly, as the crocodile glided towards them, smiling, the crown on his head.

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ Pepino shouted. ‘He’s crowned himself! Give – it – back!’

  He ripped the crown off the crocodile’s head and knocked him on the nose with it.

  This did not please the crocodile one little bit.

  He began to thrash and flap and buck – until the water was like whipped cream!

  And they were all thrown up into the air and landed on a little island, near a nest.

  ‘Careful! Don’t break them!’ Holly advised Pepino, who tried to grab an egg from it.

  The Empress of Downunder and her assistants, not even slightly out of breath, had just got to the little island too.

  ‘How did you swim here so fast?’ the Empress asked. ‘We’re used to crocodile-infested waters, but you? Anyway, boys – get those eggs.’

  ‘Our crocodile friend isn’t too happy to see his eggs taken away …’ Charlus chanted, hovering their way.

  ‘Put me down!’ grumbled Molly, who was still in Charlus’s arms. ‘The Filmcrews will see my knickers!’

  On the island, the crocodile turned around. In one swift move, the Empress of Downunder jumped on his back and slammed his jaw shut.

  ‘That’s how you show them who’s boss!’ the old Empress shouted.

  ‘There’s another one over there,’ Anna pointed out.

  An assistant went to lock down the second crocodile in the same way.

  ‘And another one there,’ Holly politely remarked.

  Another assistant leapt on the third crocodile.

  ‘There’s also a little one there,’ said Pepino.

  The third assistant took care of the fourth crocodile. And now they were a little stuck.

  ‘GET THE EGGS!’ Anna shouted.

  ‘We’ll never be able to swim back with them in our hands,’ said Holly. ‘We need a container, a basket, a … a …’

  The two sisters looked at Pepino’s head.

  ‘What?’ said Pepino suspiciously.

  In one swift move, Holly stole his crown.

  ‘Holly! You scheming thief! I’ll have you put in jail for high treason!’

  The two girls filled the crown with eggs and dived into the river again. Pepino immediately jumped after them.

  ‘Oh, it’s much easier in this direction,’ Pepino remarked. ‘We barely need to swim!’

  ‘That’s because of the mahoosive waterfall, remember?’ spluttered Holly.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Pepino recalled. ‘We might break the eggs if we fall down there.’

  ‘We won’t fall down there,’ huffed Anna. ‘Grab on to that branch!’

  As they passed under an overhanging tree, they reached up for a low branch and pulled themselves out of the water and on to the main island, where King Steve was joyfully ladling custard into his mouth to make sure it tasted fine.

  ‘Oooh, here you are,’ said the King. ‘I can’t believe you went egg picking on your own! Children grow up so fast.’

  And he gave them a ginormous hug.

  ‘I just need those whisked now, please,’ said King Steve.

  Anna, Holly and Pepino broke the eggs, carefully separated the yolks from the whites, and poured the whites into the wooden barrel. Then, after some effort, they forced the lid shut.

  ‘And now what?’ asked Pepino, putting his crown back on.

  ‘Now,’ said Holly, taking a deep breath, ‘I’ll run on top of the barrel at the edge of the waterfall. That’s what the hosts said we had to do.’

  ‘Oh, Holly!’ Anna moaned. ‘It’s dangerous!’

  ‘I know. But I’m the eldest, and you’ve already done many dangerous things.’

  Anna squeezed her sister tightly. She hadn’t forgotten how scared she’d been that time, not so very long ago, when Holly had been turned into a statue.

  ‘Good luck, Holly,’ said Pepino. ‘If you succeed, I won’t have you jailed for high treason.’

  So they pushed the barrel into the water, and Holly climbed up and precariously walked on top of it until it reached the edge of the falls …

  And then she began to RUN!

  ‘Look at that Britlander girl!’ Charlus exclaimed. ‘She’d run a marathon in a few minutes!’

  ‘I had some practice,’ said Holly between clenched teeth, ‘on that Kryin’Air flight …’

  One of Emperor Sam’s assistants, as well as the Über-Sheriff’s assistant, was also preparing to run at the top of the falls.

  ‘Oooh, what perfectly whisked egg whites!’ Molly screamed. ‘So snowy they’re overflowing!’

  Indeed, the lid of Holly’s barrel appeared to have popped open – and solidly whisked egg white was bubbling out.

  Holly looked down to see what was going on.

  And was thrown off balance as the barrel began to tilt upright …

  Until she toppled head first …

  Into the egg whites!

  ‘CAKE OR DEATH!’ Charlus shouted, excitedly jumping up and down.

  ‘Will you STOP SHAKING THIS HOVERCRAFT!’ Molly shrieked.

  ‘HOLLY!’ screamed Anna and Pepino. ‘Charlus, Molly! Do something!’

  But it was too late!

  As the barrel crashed down into the falls, Holly righted herself, grabbed the lid, pulled it down hard … an
d everything went dark.

  When Holly woke up, she was in bed in their room in Bigapple.

  ‘I’m fed up with being the one who always passes out,’ she mumbled.

  ‘Holly!’ Anna and Pepino shouted, and went to hug her.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re awake,’ said Pepino. ‘Every time you’re knocked out, I have to talk to Anna and it gets tiring.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ said Holly.

  ‘If you’re nasty to me, I won’t give you any floating island,’ said Anna.

  But she still gave her a beautiful cup of custard with an iceberg of egg white on top, just frothy enough and just creamy enough.

  ‘Yum! It’s like eating a vanilla cloud.’

  ‘You’re officially the first person to have survived falling into the N.H.E.A.G.A.R.A. Falls,’ said Pepino. ‘They’re going to have to change the name to N.H.E.A.G.A.R.A.A.F.H: “Nobody Has Ever A’crossed the Gigantic Awful River Alive Apart From Holly”.’

  ‘Emperor Sam won the task again,’ said Anna, ‘and the Empress of Downunder got eliminated – she didn’t have enough crocodile eggs.’

  ‘And now what?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Now we sleep until tomorrow’s task,’ said Pepino.

  But barely had they put their heads on their pillows than there was a knock.

  On the ceiling.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘I had to crawl into the air conditioning system so as to avoid the Fans,’ explained the Empress of Downunder.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she went on, ‘I’m used to hanging upside down. Listen, kids – it’s about the Über-Sheriff. He wants to kill you. I saw him sawing at the hinges of your barrel lid while you were getting the eggs. It must be why the lid popped open again and you fell in,’ she said, looking at Holly.

  ‘Why would he want to kill Holly and not Anna?’ Pepino asked.

  ‘Hey!’ Anna exclaimed.

  ‘Thank you for telling us,’ said Holly. ‘Especially as we weren’t very nice to you, leaving you with the crocodiles.’