The Royal Babysitters Read online

  ‘Tickle it?’ repeated Anna.

  ‘That’s their only weakness,’ said Pepino. ‘They let go directly, because they laugh and choke on all the water. Isn’t that hilarious?’

  ‘Holly, tickle the squid!’ yelled Anna.

  ‘Where? I don’t know where squids are ticklish!’

  ‘Aim for the armpits! I mean, the tentaclepits!’

  The tickled tentacle started to swing, shimmy and spiral around.

  Next they heard a loud, hiccoughy laugh, coming from the depths of the ocean:

  Cough cough cough! Haff haff haff!

  And spluttering and spitting and sneezing –

  And –

  ‘Ouch,’ said Holly. ‘That wasn’t the most comfortable landing.’

  ‘Indeed not,’ groaned King Alaspooryorick.

  The tentacle slowly retreated out of the broken window.

  ‘Hurrah!’ Anna shouted. The two sisters high-fived again, and then tried to high-five Pepino, but he’d never high-fived anyone before, so he didn’t aim properly and slapped them both instead.

  ‘Let’s get out of here,’ said Holly, rubbing her cheek. ‘Now the window’s broken, you can bet that the hummingbirds –’

  ‘Get the Berties!’ screamed Anna as the hummingbirds flooded in.

  ‘Where are we going?’ asked Holly, grabbing as many princes as she could.

  ‘To the nursery!’

  ‘There are only three Berties left!’ yelled Holly. ‘Where’s the fourth one gone?’

  ‘Blast it!’ cursed Anna. ‘The hummingbirds have got him. We’re rubbish babysitters!’

  ‘Well,’ said Holly, ‘there were far too many princes to start with.’

  ‘My thoughts exactly,’ said Pepino.

  And they ran up the marble staircase.

  Chapter Ten

  They locked the door to the first-floor south corridor, and dashed back to the nursery, where the Royal Cow was not happy to have been forgotten about.

  ‘Uh-oh, the cow should have been returned to the kitchens,’ said Pepino. ‘She needs to be kept cool or her milk will go off. And she gets bored if she’s not staring at her train set.’

  ‘Milk going off isn’t a problem right now,’ said Anna, as she and Holly dropped the remaining three Berties on the floor. ‘Our heads going off is a problem.’

  ‘Oh, you don’t need to worry,’ said Pepino. ‘Mum and Dad banned that kind of punishment ages ago. Although, if they find out what terrible prince-sitters you are …’

  He looked over to where the Berties were riding rolled-up King Alaspooryorick like a rodeo horse.

  ‘Look at all the fun they’re having!’ said Pepino. ‘He should have been the royal babysitter, not you two. I’m beginning to think you’re only in it for the Holy Moly Holiday.’

  But Alaspooryorick had had enough. He bucked and the three Berties went flying across the nursery and were caught by the Royal Cow.

  ‘Pepino, we need your help,’ whispered Anna. ‘We have to fight off this invasion. You said you had Defend the Country Against Invaders classes. Remember?’

  The prince yawned a princely yawn. ‘Vaguely.’

  ‘Well, tell us about them! What did you learn?’

  ‘Ah, no! This is the holidays. No time for tests.’

  ‘This isn’t a test; it’s the real thing. Alaspooryorick isn’t just going to give you a bad mark if you fail – he’ll turn you into a slave and you’ll have to massage his toes.’

  ‘Never!’

  ‘Then tell us what you learnt in those Defence classes.’

  ‘I can’t tell you. It’s top secret. Top of the top of all the secrets. Big Royal Family Secret. What if you’re a spy who wants to steal our giant Invasion-Repelling Catapult?’

  ‘Ah, Invasion-Repelling Catapult? So where is it?’

  ‘I certainly won’t tell you!’

  Anna was about to grab Pepino by the collar, but Holly stopped her. ‘Allow me,’ she murmured. Then, more loudly, ‘Oh, Anna, don’t bother. I think Pepino is lying to us.’

  Pepino raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Do you think so?’ asked Anna.

  ‘Yes,’ said Holly. ‘No one would tell a prince his age where they’ve hidden such an important weapon.’

  Pepino raised the other eyebrow.

  ‘True,’ said Anna. ‘His parents couldn’t possibly trust him that much.’

  Pepino’s eyebrows were now raised so high that his crown fell off.

  ‘Not true! I do know where it is!’ he said. ‘It’s in the cellars, hidden behind the wall of Francian cheeses! There!’ Then he frowned. ‘Oh, rats! You tricked me.’

  ‘Pepino,’ said Anna, ‘we have to get the catapult and then use it to repel the invasion.’

  ‘Not me! I won’t go downstairs. There are hummingbirds on the ground floor.’

  Anna ran to the window and peered out to see if they could jump down – but it looked a little dangerous.

  ‘The stairs are the only option,’ sighed Anna. ‘If I run fast enough, maybe I can dodge the hummingbirds.’

  ‘That’s the right attitude!’ said Pepino, tapping her shoulder with his sceptre. ‘Daddy will reward you with a dukedom. Or one of his little toy cars. It depends on his –’

  ‘No,’ Holly interrupted sternly. ‘You’re not going anywhere, Anna. Mum would tell me off if you ended up with hummingbird-sized holes all over you. And I would miss you. I think. Sometimes. Pepino, come on! You’re the prince. You’re the heir to the throne. You’re the one who had all the Defend the Country Against Invaders lessons! You’ve got to go to the cellars.’

  The sisters stared at the prince, who looked horrified.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ he stammered. ‘I will have a better idea.’

  They waited a minute. A minute feels a long time when drones of hummingbirds are crashing against your windows.

  ‘Well? Do you have a better idea?’

  ‘Yes. We’ll just use the Cow Lift.’

  ‘The Cow Lift?’

  ‘Well, you see, cows can walk upstairs, but not downstairs. It’s a very silly Fact of Nature. So we had a lift built for the Royal Cow, so that she could get back downstairs after each meal. It goes straight to the kitchens, and the kitchens are near the cellars. So we can just go down there in the Cow Lift, and we’ll get the catapult in no time!’

  Very proud of his idea, the prince strutted around for a while, then he hit a button on the wall and the door to the lift slid open.

  ‘Genius, Pepino!’ exclaimed Anna. ‘Come on, let’s go!’

  ‘Nobody move!’ shouted Alaspooryorick.

  His voice was strangely not close to the floor any more, and when they turned around, they understood why.

  The King had freed himself from the giant handkerchief.

  He reached into his pocket and drew out a small –

  ‘Porcupine grenade!’ screamed Pepino.

  He dived behind a fluffy rocking-horsefly. Anna jumped under the cage cot. Holly squeezed behind the nappy bin. The cow covered her face with her hooves – and just in time. The little porcupine grenade rolled to the middle of the room … and stayed still for a couple of seconds … until …

  When they opened their eyes again, Alaspooryorick was gone, and the door to the corridor was open. Anna leapt to her feet.

  ‘We can’t let him escape! I’ll chase after him. You get the catapult.’

  Pepino was running around the nursery, yelling loudly, ‘I’m dead! I’m dead! There’s a spike in my head!’

  ‘It’s not in your head; it’s in your crown,’ said Holly, pulling it out. ‘Get into that lift! And you too, Cow.’

  The cow looked extremely grumpy. Not only had she not been refrigerated properly, but
she also had a prickle sticking out of her leg. She walked into the lift and began to chew her cud, keeping her mouth open and making lots of noise on purpose.

  ‘Come on, Berties,’ called Holly. She picked them up and counted them as she piled them into the lift. One … two …’

  Three?

  ‘Bertie?’

  The third Bertie had been comforting the now naked porcupine, who had decided to thank him with a little ride out of the nursery.

  ‘I can’t believe how hard babysitting is!’ exclaimed Holly. ‘It’s the last time I let my sister pick a summer job for us. Come on, Pepino, we’re ready to go! Which button do I press?’

  ‘Well, we’re already in the nursery, so not that one.’

  ‘This one?’

  ‘Nope. That’s Extra Hay.’

  ‘This one?’

  Doors closing! Ding! Lift going down.

  ‘Well done, Pepino,’ said Holly. And she kissed him on the cheek, which turned fuchsia pink.

  Chapter Eleven

  Meanwhile, Alaspooryorick was ballet-dancing down the corridor and into the Throne Room.

  ‘Time to try out my new armchair!’ he bellowed. ‘Let’s see.’ He squeezed his bum on to the King’s throne. The throne squeaked. ‘Bit small!’ Alaspooryorick frowned. ‘But it will do for my coronation tonight. And what a lovely Queen’s throne! As soon as she sees that, Princess Régine will finally agree to marry me. It will only have taken thirty-eight proposals.’

  Then he paraded around the room, picking up King Steve’s coat, King Steve’s sceptre, and –

  ‘King Steve’s lovely green scarf! It will go beautifully with the colour of my eyes.’

  ‘And with the colour of the wart at the end of your nose!’ scoffed Anna, jumping in front of him. ‘Is there anything else Your Majesty would like to steal from Britland today?’

  ‘Not you again!’ Alaspooryorick rolled his eyes and wrapped the scarf around his neck. ‘How did you escape that porcupine grenade? I knew I should have bought the bigger model. Are you here to beg for mercy?’

  ‘No,’ said Anna, reaching for an old sword attached to the wall. ‘I’m here to defend the Kingdom of Britland and the right of its citizens not to be turned into meatballs!’

  ‘Does that mean you want a fight?’

  ‘It does indeed!’

  So they fought.

  ‘Well,’ said Anna. ‘That was almost too easy.’

  ‘Not so fast!’ said Alaspooryorick, pulling Pepino’s handkerchief from out of his pocket.

  ‘Who’s rolled up like a sausage now!’ crowed the King.

  ‘Get off –’

  ‘I happen to like sausages almost as much as meatballs!

  ‘I’m-not-a-saus–’

  ‘But sausages need to be skewered before being barbecued …’

  The King lifted his rusty sword and twirled it around in the air …

  And coughed.

  ‘Oh, great,’ Anna grouched. ‘Now you’re spluttering all over me.’

  ‘Shush! Koff, koff! ’ He massaged his neck. ‘Say your last word, young lady!’

  ‘Boa!’

  ‘That’s a – koff! koff! – very random word,’ he gasped. ‘Koff! Koff! Sorry, bit of a – sore throat – scarf tight.’

  ‘Boa,’ repeated Anna.

  By now Alaspooryorick’s face was the size of a pumpkin and the colour of a turnip.

  But it wasn’t because of the scarf.

  It wasn’t even a scarf.

  ‘You and Pepino’s pet boa constrictor seem to be good friends,’ said Anna, unrolling herself from the handkerchief and grabbing the sword. ‘Got any last words you’d like to utter, Your Majesty?’

  ‘Koff! Koff! ’

  Ring! Ring!

  ‘Koff! Koff! ’

  Ring! Ring!

  ‘Were you expecting a call?’ asked Anna.

  King Alaspooryorick tried to cover one of his pockets with a semi-free hand, but too late – Anna squeezed his mobile phone out of it and put it to her ear.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Allykins, darling?’ said a quavering voice on the other end of the line. ‘It’s me!’

  ‘Oh, hello, erm, you,’ said Anna, trying to imitate King Alaspooryorick’s loud voice. ‘Where are you calling from?’

  ‘Well, the zeppelin, of course,’ said the tiny voice.

  ‘Ah, the zeppelin,’ repeated Anna, while snake-strangled Alaspooryorick was mouthing all kinds of rude words. ‘How’s it going up there, captain?’

  ‘Not great, I’m afraid, honey bunches of frikadell. We appear to be losing a lot of boats.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘I’m not too sure. Some nasty creatures are chewing on the ropes that are dragging the empty boats, and they’ve been drifting away …’

  ‘The empty boats?’ Anna repeated.

  ‘Shhh! Shhh!’ shushed Alaspooryorick, who was still being strangled by the boa. ‘Shhh!’

  ‘Yes. What should I do, my little pickled gherkin?’ continued the voice from the zeppelin.

  ‘Do nothing!’ Anna roared. ‘Nothing at all! I’m on it.’

  She hung up and stroked the boa’s head to pry it away from Alaspooryorick’s neck. He took in some air, making the noise of a parachute opening. When the air came out of his lungs again, it was escorted by a flood of tears.

  ‘Well, well,’ Anna chuckled, wiping the King’s face with the handkerchief. ‘What’s wrong now?’

  ‘Everything’s wrong!’ wailed the King. ‘Mummy just told you about the boats being empty!’

  ‘Mummy? That was your mum?’

  ‘Ye-e-s. She’s a hundred and twelve years old. She doesn’t realise she shouldn’t talk about war strategies over the phone.’

  ‘I don’t understand. Where’s your army?’

  ‘We don’t have an army any more! I spent all the money for the army on a new pair of light-up shoes. I’ve only got one boat with an actual cannon. The rest of them are tied to it and just there for show.’

  BOOOOOM!

  ‘What was that?’ Anna turned around.

  It sounded as if the noise had come from the nursery. ‘Is it your cannon?’ she asked.

  ‘N-n-no,’ sniffed Alaspooryorick. ‘Can’t be. I never asked for the cannon to be fired. Anyway, the invasion’s off.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. It’s a disaster. I’m calling it all off.’

  ‘OK. Do it, then.’

  He wriggled. ‘Hnnrrrgh. Can’t reach! You do it. I have a snake around me.’

  ‘What do I have to do?’

  ‘Take the remote control from my back pocket.’

  The King’s back pocket was full of various items:

  It took Anna a while to find the remote.

  ‘What do I do now?’ she said.

  ‘Press the button that says RMIB. It means Relinquish Major Invasion of Britland.’

  Anna pressed it.

  And Alaspooryorick laughed.

  A deep, dreadful, devilish laugh.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ said Anna.

  ‘What’s so funny, my little sausage? Look out of the window!’

  Anna crept over to the window and looked out at the wide, wrinkly sea …

  ‘RMIB doesn’t mean Relinquish Major Invasion of Britland!’ quacked Alaspooryorick. ‘It means Robotic Mermaid Invasion Button!’

  Chapter Twelve

  T he Kitchens. Doors opening!

  Holly, who’d been busy pulling the porcupine prickle out of the cow’s leg, picked up the two Berties and followed Pepino into the dark and huge kitchens.

  ‘This,’ said Pepino, pointing at a bubbling cauldron of orange puree, ‘is wh
at you should have fed my brothers for lunch. If you’d been good babysitters and not lost almost all of them.’

  ‘We’ll get them back,’ said Holly. ‘If we beat King Alaspooryorick. Where’s the catapult?’

  ‘I told you, behind the Royal Cheese Library.’

  Pepino reached for what looked like a smelly old wheel of Camembert on the eighth shelf, pushed it, and the whole Cheese Library slid open to reveal the Invasion-Repelling Catapult.

  ‘It’s padlocked to the wall,’ he said. ‘But I have the key on my penknife.’

  Holly had to wait for Pepino to open all the different items on his penknife, which included:

  Until he found the key and unlocked the catapult.

  ‘We can wheel it through there,’ he said, pointing. ‘There’s a secret opening on to the beach.’

  ‘OK. But as soon as we get out on to the beach, hummingbirds will swarm our way,’ said Holly. ‘We’ll need to repel them.’

  ‘How?’

  Holly thought about it for a minute. ‘Cheese! Hummingbirds like sweet flowers. They’ll be disgusted if we start throwing really smelly cheese at them.’

  ‘We can’t throw my parents’ lifelong collection of Francian cheeses at hummingbirds!’

  ‘It’s that or giving toe massages to Alaspooryorick.’

  ‘I’ll get the cheeses,’ said Pepino, opening a large garage door. ‘You and the cow wheel the catapult out on to the beach.’

  ‘Right,’ said Holly. ‘Where’s the ammunition for the catapult?’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘The big round cannonballs you have to put in the catapult, you know?’

  ‘Ah, those. Mum and Dad gave them to the Giant People of Eireland as a Christmas gift. They’d always wanted to play boules on the Giants’ Causeway.’